This is my testimony that i shared at my mercy graduation... it will continue to change and new things will be added as i walk my walk hand in hand with God!

Born 8th of April 1983, I grew up in Tasmania with an older brother. Before I was even born, my father's unfaithfulness to my mum began to path a way of rejection and brokenness in my life.

The first few years of my life consisted of journeys back and forth to local and interstate hospitals, as my brother was born with a hole in his heart and facial porce. He had many major surgeries at a young age, and I would either travel with my family, or be left with friends or relatives.

My dads full time work often left our house fatherless and I soon started to feel that emptiness in my heart. If it was not his work that kept him away from home, it was his friends, his sport or his drinking. I have many vivid memories of watching my dad come home drunk, he never became violent, but his emotional absence in my life left me feeling unloved and unwanted.

My parents separated at the age of 8, leaving my family hurting and confused. I could not understand why my dad would leave us, preferring to build a life with a family friend. After a long custody battle, I stayed with mum and my brother went to live with my dad. For the next 6 years, I would spend every second weekend with my dad, and the other weekends, my brother would come and stay with us

Those 6yrs were a constant nightmare for me. I was forced by the law to spend every second weekend with my dad and his girlfriend. The weekends consisted of either being locked away in a dark room on my own, or being tormented by my dads girlfriends 3 kids.

Her kids would beat me and my brother up, push us around and force us to play horrible inappropriate games. My young mind didn't know what was really going on or was not game to fight their demands, so I played along as I was told to.

My dad had no idea what was really going on, as he was never around. His work, sport and drinking nights with friends were a higher priority than spending the weekends with me. Deeper seeds of rejection and sadness were planted in my heart and I soon grew to hate my dad and despised going to visit him.

My mum soon remarried, and I was given a new daddy. He loved me, he treated me good and he became so much more than my real dad ever was. We moved town and I started a new school and a new life. But the same sadness and rejection followed me. I soon started to be bullied at school and I grew to greatly hate it. Everyday was a torment of name calling and being pushed around. I became very shy and a loner, and would find a secluded place at the back of the play ground and sit alone.

When I was 12, we welcomed into the family a little brother for me. He was born premature, so him and mum had to spend extra time in hospital. Hospital was over an hour away, and me and my step dad traveled a couple of times a week to go and see them. I was happy at home, spending time with my step dad and going to school. But that bonding time was soon marred be sexual abuse. After having abused me in the family room, I would run and crawl into bed, under my blankets and cry myself to sleep.

I would then soon wake up to someone opening me bedroom door. Over the next few weeks, either in our home or in secluded parks on the way home from the hospital, my step dad repeatedly abused and raped me.

I never told anyone of the abuse. I kept it to myself.. and shoved it deep inside myself, deciding that I would never think of it again.
When I turned 16, I moved away from home to go to college. There I found independence and freedom. I finally made some friends, but they were all very shallow relationships, never delving into anything deep or meaningful. My group of friends were Christians, and I would often tag along with them to bible studies, prayer meetings and concerts. During my 2 years at college, I gave my heart to the lord a number of times, mostly cause my friends did. But never really understanding what I had just done.

Also at college, I started to get involved with guys, having a number of relationships that at times got rather serious. In looking for someone to love me, to treat me good and to accept me for who I was, I made many mistakes.

During my last year of college, my step dad was diagnosed with cancer, and later passed away. It was a confusing time for me. I wasn't sure how I was meant to feel about it. Was I to mourn the loss of the only father that I really knew or was I to be happy to not have to live with the person that hurt me so deeply.

When my step dad died, it left just me, mum and my little brother. As my mum began to fall into depression, I began to take on more roles and a lot more responsibilities in the family, which was a lot for me to deal with.

When I was around unfamiliar men, it started to bring up a lot of memories from my past. I feel into depression and began to self harm. After mum noticing the despair in my life, she started to look into my personal life to find out why. That's when I broke the silence about what my step dad had done to me.

Eventually mum remarried and we moved to Sydney. The man she married seemed nice and loving and I thought that life was just about to get better. A new house, a new town, a new church and a new life. I thought that all the things of my past would get left behind in Tassie and I could start a fresh. But I soon found out how wrong I was. I still felt deeply depressed and struggled with self harm, my mess had followed me.

My family once again soon began to fall apart, when my new step dad wasn't who we thought he was. He began to be very controlling towards me and mum, and abusive to all of us. Home soon became unsafe for us and we escaped and again started a new life, just the 3 of us.

In Sydney another man that I should have been able to trust began to sexually abuse me. I again kept this a secret from family and friends until I could handle the pressure no more and took my first mini overdose. I then disclosed to my pastors what had been happening to me, but refused to tell my mum. I thought that mum had been through enough.

I decided to move out of home and enjoyed having freedom and independence. I had a fantastic job, some great friends and was getting involved in my church.

But that enjoyment was short lived and I soon feel into a deep pit. I could no longer handle the deep despair and anguish that was deep inside me. I lived a life that fluctuated between feeling totally numb and unable to feel anything, to feeling so much pain and anger deep inside me that it consumed me so much. Either way, I hated the way that I felt and felt that I could no longer live.

Over the next 2 ½ years, life consisted of one overdose after another, being admitted into the psych ward and then being discharged after just a short time.

I soon got use to the secular world of treatment. Psych wards for me consisted of meds to keep me calm, food, a bed, one label after another and one doctor after doctor telling me that I would never change and I would pretty much spend the rest of my life in and out of psych wards.


Being locked up in the psych ward took away all control I had. So self harm and starving myself was my only way of having some kind of control in my life.

At times I tried to escape and my unwillingness to co-operate resulted in me being scheduled many time and held there against my will. My admissions usually lasted between 2 and 3 weeks, my longest stint being 4 months.

My meds were changed at each admission, but no med was successful at keeping my depression, my moods swings and my psychotic episodes under control. I would fall into a deep depressive pit, unable to get out of bed or communicate my feelings and needs to anyone. I would then feel that it was never going to get better and take another overdose, which landed me back in the ER and then the psych ward. This circle continued for approximately 2 years.

The voices that I heard did nothing for my situation. They would tell me of ways in which I could end my life, down to the finest details. They would condemn me, tell me what a horrible person I was and that everything that I was going through was all my own fault. I believed every word they said.

While all this was happening I was in a good church. My pastors and church friends were supportive of me and would encourage me to keep fighting the demons that plagued me. But my situation and my bad influences on some church friends soon made me not welcomes in my church anymore.

I felt lost and alone in my battle. My only friends and support had just deserted me. I thought that was it, I could not fight this anymore. I went to my doctor and got a script filled and went home a took a massive overdose.

Mum found me unwell and I was taken to the ER with an empty box of pills.

That's when I found out that God had had his hand upon my life. That he had saved me from what would of most likely been death.

The chemist where I had got my script filled had actually given me the wrong meds. If they had given me the correct meds, I would of most likely been successful at ending my own life. Instead the meds they gave me just made me really ill.

What did this mean to me? That God was real in my life. That he did have a plan and a purpose for my life and that my time was not up yet.

I then decided that I would try and use the same determination I used to end my life… to save my life.

So on the 19th of September 2007, after 21 admissions to the psych ward, counseling that was unsuccessful, a array of psych meds that did nothing, 10 sessions of shock therapy and a group of family and friends that I wasn't sure whether they were for me or against me, I walked through the doors of mercy.

Since then I have been on one of the most amazing journeys of my life.

It was never easy. I had to step out of my comfort zone and go to places that were really hard. I had to learn to trust again and to use my voice again.

At mercy I walked through the process forgiveness. I began to forgive the people in my life that had hurt me so deeply. It wasn't easy. It became an hour by hour decision to forgive. I doubt I will forget what they did, but I will continue to walk in and choose forgiveness daily.

I've overcome my addictive patterns of self harm that use to be a daily struggle. I've learnt that in order to have control in my life I don't need to scar my body. I've learnt other coping mechanisms that are not destructive.

I'm learning to love myself for who I am. And to not listen to the lies of my past. That I am made in the image of God, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am a child of God and a princess of the King.

One of the biggest things that has lead to my healing was realizing that I am not battling against flesh and blood but against the powers of darkness. That for so many years the devil had been feeding me so many lies- and I had believed all of them. My freedom comes from choosing not to listen to them.

In John 10:4-5 its says " I do follow the good shepherd and I do know his voice and the voice of a stranger I do not follow." It was God's voice that I needed to listen to and His word.

And in Deuteronomy 30:19 it says " I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses, now choose life" and that is what I have decided to do. To choose life…

I know that as I graduate, my journey is not yet over, it is just beginning, but as I walk out of mercy, a completely different person, I choose to continue to walk in forgive, I choose to love myself, I choose to accept Gods grace for me, and I choose life.

 

PART 2 by Aly...

Dwelling on your past is to let it control you

 

Some know my story, some don’t. basically I grew up in a broken family with broken people. Your typical happy safe family life was a far cry from what my childhood was. My childhood consisted of divorce, rejection, bullying and countless sexual assaults. This all resulted in a very low self esteem and depression.

The constant memories of my broken childhood kept me bound in a dark pit. I lived a life I hated. And eventually started the vicious cycle of daily self harming myself and countless attempts at suicide. I was hospitalized many times, put on an array of psych meds and had been given just about every psych diagnoses there is.

Amongst all this, my relationship with God was up and down. When things were good… me and God were good…. When things were bad, me and God basically didn’t exists. I soon grew to hate God and didn’t understand why all this stuff was happening to me. Why me and not the girl next door? Hadn’t he given me enough to deal with?

 

I had tried everything and decided rehab was my last chance to turn my life around.

There I learnt to love myself all over again, learnt to cope with the pain that my past had bought me and learnt to love life again. I graduated after 8 months in rehab and was excited about the new life I was about to start. Things can only get better from here.

 

But boy was I wrong. The honeymoon period was soon over and the reality of life returned and I started to spiral downwards again. I turned back to my old coping skills, daily self harming again and constant thoughts of attempting suicide again. Life just seemed to continue to get worse. I couldn’t handle it anymore and decided this was it.

 

I headed to the beach with the intent of never returning home, never seeing my loved ones again, to end my life. I walked the beach for hours, thinking, contemplating my decision. But then God turned up in my darkest hour. He did something inside me and I decided to give him one more chance. A few weeks prior to this a friend gave me a ticket to Colour, a woman’s conference. I decided to give God the chance to do something really big in me there, or that was it.

People knew that I had recently been struggling, and I went to Colour with such high expectations. Not only the expectations I had placed on it myself, but also from other people.. Having them say we hope you have breakthrough at this, I hope you are blessed. The butterflies followed me there every day. I was so nerves about what God was… or might do.

 

Its been over a month now since Colour and I am still here. I don’t know what God did at Colour, I don’t know what he did in me, but he sure as heck did something. Cause I haven’t been the same person since.  I've had one bad day, which I was easily able to pull myself out of.

 

Life really hasn’t been the same. I feel such a strong spirit of freedom within me. It feels like I have gone back to my rehab days. The days when I enjoyed life. The days when I was able to overcome anything the enemy throws my way. The days I smiled and loved myself. And God has renewed my passion of letting others know about this freedom that is there for them.

 

God did not create us to live in bondage and brokenness. He created us to live life and live it to its fullest. And this is where my passion lies.

 

Everyone goes through rough times, everyone experiences trails and hurts. But its how we overcome that is the important thing. We can allow our past to control us, or we can allow it to make us stronger and a better person. The latter is ideal.

When we get hurt, either it be from being bullied, having someone close to us pass away, being abused or just life throwing every curve ball possible at us, it is possible to overcome it all and be able to move on in life.

 

When bad stuff happens to us, the enemy gets excited and takes every chance possible to get his foot in you. Once he has a foothold in yer life, he has got ya good. Ever time you think of the bad, every time you are reminded of your past, the enemy laughs and nudges you to dwell on how bad it all really is. Eventually your life is totally controlled by your past. Everything you believe, everything you think about yourself and your life is going to be negative. The enemy has succeeded!

 

But now its your time to turn it all around. Now its time to kick the enemy out of your life good.

But where do you start? Right at the root of it. Right at where all your beliefs lie.

 

As we walk through life, our experiences often determine our beliefs.  We lock in these beliefs about who we are, where we came from and where are life is going.

 

You may believe you are ugly, you have no purpose, you are alone and feel deeply ashamed. But is that the truth?

 

Gods Word is a book of truth. Within it is the truth about who we are, where we came from and where we are going. And When you can read it, get Gods truth about who you are into your head and your heart you will start to see your life change for the good. And you can just read it once and think that will do. You need to repeat it. You need to read it every day if that’s what its gonna take to change your belief system. For just about every lie… or ungodly belief that you have, there is a promise in the Word that proves you wrong.

 

I can not enforce how powerful this can be. The truth really does set you free, and God is in the freeing business. Right now he wants to set you free from your past. He wants to remove the shame and guilt that it linked to your broken childhood. He wants you to see who you really are in him, not the mistake that you think you are. He wants you too see the purpose that you have in life.

 

He wants to set you free…. But will you let him????

 

Its for freedom that I have been set free.

Alice Russell

 

 

A year on~

 

I treated myself to fake nails today, to celebrate my first Mercy Birthday.

To sit and reflect tonight, and ponder the year that has been.  Its been a bit of a roller coaster of a ride, I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy, its been far from it. And at times it has been the hardest fight so far. But I have made it. I've gone 365 days without being admitted to the psych ward. I've gone 365 days without a visit to the ER. Its been achievement, especially knowing what I faced before my Mercy journey.

I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared for life out of Mercy. You spend all this time within the safety of the Mercy walls. Having love and caring staff members all around you. Knowing that at the knock of a door, you can have someone to talk to, to pray for you and to work through things that are on your mind.

I know that over my 8mths at Mercy, I was taught the coping skills I would need to do life on my own, with God. I was taught to love myself, to forgive, to trust and to tell myself the truth.

When I was swung back into the real world, I didn’t expect the turbulent ride that I have experienced. I have had many difficult times. And during some of that, I often wondered what one earth was happening to me. Where had God gone? Why was everything so hard? And I sometimes doubted all the work that I have put into my time at Mercy. I had gone back to my old coping mechanisms, I was at times living the life I lived before my time at Mercy, and I ultimately started doubting  God. I grew to be so disappointed in myself and in God.

But God has been so good. He has helped me to pull through those hard times. When I have remained faithful, He has also.

I've had to really pull on those things that I learnt at Mercy. I had to put into practice the truths that I have began to live out in my life while at Mercy. I had to remain determined to keep walking in my freedom. Its been a daily decision to accept His grace and mercy in my life. To live out the truths in my life.  That’s been the biggest thing that Gods taught me over the last year. Its always been something that ive felt strongly about, that in life, God offers us 2 choices, blessings and curses, life and death. Now choose life, so that I might live. But now I am actually living and walking on that word. I am choosing to accept the blessings in life and rejecting the lies of the enemy that in that past has almost destroyed me.

I've just started to study Mental Health Work, which im loving. And I continue to look for work. I love being involved in church life, helping with youth group, administration work and the coffee cart. I'm passionate to share what God has done in my life, knowing that the truth really does set you free.

I'm living in freedom. And im finally loving the life that I am living. And I have God to thank for that. That in his instrument, Mercy Ministries, I'm happy to be alive. I take each breath with a thankful heart, thankful for Mercy Ministries, thankful for all the wonderful staff at Mercy, thankful of all my family and friends that haven’t given up on me, and ultimately, thankful of God for giving me a second chance at life.

 

 

 

 

MORE BY ALY!!! Also, find out about my new book. Click here

 

 

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