Understanding, Conquering, Effects of, Managing and Controlling Your Anger, Rage & Fury

By Beverly Tabor

 It.... Everyone gets angry from time to time; this
is "normal". I'm speaking about the kind of anger that people have great difficulty controlling or managing: deep inside they are constantly, chronically angry.

This is not a problem in itself. It is When, and How and Where, and with or at Whom you display that anger and take it out on that is the problem most frequently.

FACT: Most people who say they have an anger management or control problem really don't have one. They/You actually manage and control it very well - and reserve a special person/place to become the target; and then they/you use the "I can't control it", or "I can't help myself", routines. Or, you/they blame the victim, "you made me hit you". WRONG – on all counts! Those actions and words are CHOICES – not mindless reactions.

It's this that hurts the people in their lives – for they know it is a choice, and that the opposite choice could have easily been made. It hurts when people know someone chose to hurt them – by choice.

You/They CHOOSE to carry out that aggression. You/They can also choose NOT TO, and you can turn your anger, and it's behaviors, around today - if you want to! Attend an Anger Management Workshop, for example. Another way to look at it is - that it is a form of denial and enabling.

First, there are some things you need to know.
Anger intensity varies widely, and it is important to distinguish between the normal anger, and much more serious forms of anger which may lead to serious physical and emotional harm.

Anger comes in three forms, "degrees" or levels. They are:

* Anger: which is a strong or violent feeling of displeasure, antagonism and aggressive hostility aroused, or triggered by real or suspected wrong.
* It is usually accompanied with a desire to punish, or retaliate: the anger may be excessive or misplaced.

* Rage: which is a vehement explosive form of anger. Rage is an instinctive response to the sense we are under threat, either physically or emotionally.
* Anything that challenges our dignity or threatens the control we wield over our lives can trigger anger at this deep level (rage) – this is often, or usually, misdirected.

* Fury: is an excess of rage, amounting almost to madness or insanity (sometimes referred to as a "blind rage" where the individual is no longer aware of what they are doing; also known as going "berserk").
* It is the most violent and destructive form – it too, is almost always misdirected.

Misdirected means it is taken out on the person(s) or thing(s) who are not the actual, original cause of the "root anger"; the targets/victims are not the perpetrator(s).

Anger comes in two modes: Inner (or Inward) Anger, and Outward Anger

Outwardly expressed anger is easy to recognize, but angry thoughts and feelings may also exist internally, well concealed from others. Learn more in the Anger workshop.

The anger cycle:

* The open expression of outward anger by one person to another is almost always followed with guilt.

* For the immediate moment the person may feel some elation for having "gotten it out" but the frequent normal response is guilt.

* Guilt then will lead to remorse that the person had been so hard, violent or mean to the victim upon whom the anger was vented.

* This remorse will function like a "self-checking" device and result in the anger being held in so that the anger becomes "inward (inner) anger", which often leads to depression (it also increases self-loathing).

* This "inward anger" over time will lead to resentment towards the original person (perpetrator/target) whom the open anger expression was delivered at.

* If the resentment remains as an unresolved issue (not having adequately dealt with the original cause or perpetrator) something down the road begins to irritate the "angry person", over time he/she will not hold it in any longer and express anger out all over again.

* This will lead to a repeat of the anger cycle of guilt, remorse, anger in, resentment, irritation and anger out expression.

This is a dysfunctional, maladaptive and self-defeating model of handling, controlling and managing anger.

Feelings felt, or associated with, expression of anger:

Fear, rage, wanting to make it better, upset, emotional release, sick, physically ill, displaced or misdirected attack, apprehensive, sad, hurt, offended, frustration, lack of feeling, revengeful, embarrassed, shaky, wanting to make it better, guilty, tense, uncomfortable, scared, ....flight or fight'' stress response, and loss of composure.

Anger is a powerful force: before anger reaches these levels,
please seek counseling and learn to understand and conquer this madness.

CAUSES of Anger?
There are many "causes" of anger - and these will mostly be different for each person - although they may share some in common (and any unresolved "causes" will result in "triggers" – see below).

The anger is often (usually) connected to an event, or events from the past.

The "event" that triggers it - is usually NOT the real reason - it becomes the "trigger" or "excuse" - it is easy to detect this:
where it is not the real reason - the reaction will normally be totally out of proportion to what just happened, or what was just said, etc.

Often, we get angry because something another person says or does, reminds us of some quality or habit we have ourselves that we are unhappy with, but rather than dealing with our own weakness, we "project it" onto others and take the anger at ourselves out on other people.
ANGER becomes a problem when it lasts too long, is too intense, and too frequent.

* Anger is also a problem when it affects our relationships with those we love or at work.

* How much has anger cost you in the past; and are you still willing to pay that cost?

* Thus both anger, and when it is a problem, will vary for each person, yet anger can be a normal part of all our lives, if managed, conquered and controlled constructively and positively.

Triggers: Triggers are any current thing (or person) that reminds the angry person of the original hurts, causes, events and/or people, etc, of the past that created the anger originally.

Therefore, sometimes (or often) a particular person (or event) can serve as a "trigger" because they remind the angry person of things from the past, and the person or thing now in front of them become the substitute for the one we're really angry at (therefore, often having a "hate on" for all authority figures (for example; teachers, policemen, etc).

Actually, a current event can result in a reaction so intense that it brings the "original event" back in sharp focus and detail, as if it were happening again, all over. That' s why the reaction is so strong.

Identifying Anger Problems - Do You Have An Anger Problem?

The following questions identify potential problems you may have with anger and/or control. It can point to serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.

* Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?
* If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he say you get along well with them?
* Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?
* Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?


* Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
* Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?
* Have you ever called someone a bitch, bastard or some other derogatory name?
* Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry, and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?


* Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
* Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?
* Have you ever been "blind" with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?


* Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?
* Have you ever ripped someone's clothes when angry?
* When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?


If you answered these honestly and truthfully, and you answered YES to more than half of these, you have an anger, and an anger-control, problem.

When Life Hurts

When the hurts received from others reaches a point where people actually react to them, an amazingly curious thing happens: they reveal what/who is most loved, prized or precious to them:

it will be the thing/person they turn against and take it out on.

As a child it might manifest as tearing legs, arms and head off most favorite doll, or trashing a prize airplane model, or maiming or hurting a beloved pet; in adulthood it might be destroying a loved tool or appliance, attack & hurt the loved one, or push the loved one away harder and harder, or run as far away as possible.

They attack, destroy, damage, maim, hurt or leave exactly those things or people most precious & loved to them.

Only later, when all the demolition and carnage is done, do they take stock and fully come to realize, not just what they've done, but what they've lost.

And this has been known for ages - there's a song about it that people have known for years: "You always hurt the one you love".

And the pain will grow, and the hurt will grow, and the guilt will grow, and the self-hatred, self-loathing and self-disgust will grow. And rage will build. This is the point at which healing/recovery can begin - because that is when people are ready - or can be.


The Effects of Anger On YOU:
SUPPRESSED ANGER: we have been taught to avoid expressing angry feelings although we are all extremely angry people who
are unaware of these feelings.

* Because we are unaware, our anger is expressed inappropriately in self destructive ways - more about this in our Anger Workshop.

Taking Control of Your Anger: Controlled anger sometimes proves useful: it is the staying in control that is important.

Lesson: anything done out of anger and in haste hurts others, destroys, and always comes back on yourself.

Anger is a terrible, destructive force, but like most energy it can be harnessed for your benefit or allowed to roam wildly and destroy you. Understand and conquer this madness. Dare to start your healing journey today!

BEVERLY TABOR

OUTCAST NATIONS

 

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