Why bother!
How powerlessness affects victims of sexual abuse

To some extent all of us experience the feeling of powerlessness. We are called into our boss' office and told to pack up our personal items-we are no longer needed. Someone we love dies unexpectedly. Or, we simply can't seem to maintain the discipline in our lives that we desire.

As Christians it is healthy and necessary to acknowledge that we have limited control in our lives. In doing so we choose to surrender our power and control to the Holy Spirit so that he can lead and guide us. In that submission we still have choices. We can choose to follow the Spirit's leading or not. For example, at offering time we can choose to respond to the prompting of the Holy Spirit with the generous number in our mind, or we can write a check for a smaller amount. While God may discipline us for our disobedience, he always gives us a choice.

To be able to make a choice means:

Childhood victims of sexual abuse grew up with the reality that they had no power to influence or change the things that were most important to them. In essence they were stripped of the ability to choose. While they wanted to make a choice to end the abuse they were unable. They were unable to stop the abuse, they were unable to make their homes nurturing, safe places and they were unable to stop the relentless pain in their soul.

For victims of childhood sexual abuse powerlessness assumes a fatalistic progression that ends with the conclusion that nothing they can do will change anything so, why bother.

But, initially they did try.

"Maybe if I just become a better student at school my mother will love me", thinks the victim. So he begins to do better in school but his mother remains busy, aloof and uninterested.

So, he concludes, "There must be something wrong with me that mom doesn't love me no matter what I do."

This leads the young victim to deaden the longing in his soul. Emotionally shutting down, telling himself it doesn't matter, I don't care, and addictions to drugs, alcohol or relationships are all ways of numbing the soul pain.

However, the victim realizes that his diligent attempts at pain control do nothing to minimize the anguish of his heart.

The abuser continues to prey upon the victim by offering what, at first, seems to be the love he desires. And, since the victim's parents seem oblivious to the change in their son's behavior they fail to intervene and stop the abuse. The young victim assumes they are powerless to even stop the abuse from happening.

This becomes a life long assumption that affects all areas of the victim's life. It becomes a pattern of learned helplessness where the victim is unable, as an adult, to use the God-given authority he has been given over his life.

Powerlessness leads to a life lived without purpose and hope. "Why even tryit won't change anything!"

Powerlessness leads to a dead soul, therefore a loss of a sense of self. It is not uncommon that sexual abuse victims create a world of fantasy to give them some sense of control over their lives. This fantasy world varies. Powerless victims can be compulsive liars, daydreamers who live in their heads more than the real world, or simply the quite, conscientious one who smiles and says, "Everything was fine and is fine now." Failing to admit the truth is living a fantasy.

In counseling adults it is important to help them face the truth and learn to take responsibility for their lives. A major shift out of powerlessness is simply acknowledging that they can take responsibility for their own actions. This might mean taking an anger management course to help gain skills. It could mean making a choice to make day-to-day decisions. It could mean not simply going along with a friend's choice of a movie, but stating your own preference.

Hope is built on the rock solid foundation of the truth. The truth is that we can make choices for our lives. God wants us to do this.

In conclusion, the following prayer says it all:

Lord,
Grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.